Shoot me at any time. Cheers

Everyone has his own definition of love. For some, it's sacrifice. For some, it's feeling alive and well, for others, it's the series of emotions that only one person can give. There are varieties of definitions of true love.. Every time I feel like I've found the one I realize I'm a fool and I need my head checked because I am an extremely hard person to like, hence love so my question is why the hell am I bothering?

I can't help feeling so fucking paranoid that this will end up like all of my past shitty relationships. We fight every day over small things and I once heard that it is healthy to argue but how can I piss him off so much on a daily basis? How can he say he loves a girl he hates as much as me? How can he swear he loves me when he doesn't trust me? How is it possible to want me when I'm so unusual?

God these fucking hormones are driving me crazy and my mind is in the wrong place at the wrong time but I want it to be known that i still want this to work. I still want to be in love, and as happy as i've been but not if I know the feeling isn't mutual. 

I feel stupid every time I tell him that I love him. The thing is with Americans they use those three words as greetings and lines to use in birthday cards. I adore him with every last bit of me and he sees it as just words coming out of my mouth and that hurts honestly. I have literally nothing to offer him so no shit it'll be over soon. I'm just ready for this weekend, maybe he'll dump me and I can return to where I was. Alone and unsure of what to do next but I have no choice it's definitely ending and all I have left to do is drink away any sorrow and fucking rant through a blog because its much easier to type it all out instead of talking to someone I know doesn't give a damn. It always ends up this way and my sisters probably saw it coming but didn't want to hurt me. Ahh, fuck me.